An Introduction
Dan Figoni, Viceroy and founder of
the inaugural Man of the Year (MOY) competition - a year long challenge
and extravaganza centered in the San Francisco Bay Area - was gracious
enough to grant this interviewer a few moments in one of his typically
hectic days. No recording device was allowed, however, so some responses
may be slightly paraphrased.
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The Interview - Part One
Daniel Figoni: I'm
Dan Figoni, the biggest idiot EVER!
Idle Time: Settle down
sir and let's begin.
DF: alright no problem.
IT: Thanks again for
doing this. How are you doing?
DF: I'm doing pretty well.
I just saw myself in the mirror and my hair...un-freaking-believable.
It's a good day.
IT: That's great. That's also
a pretty unusual shirt. Where'd you get it?
DF: This old thing? I bought
it online. The internet is the second best thing that Al Gore has done
for this country ... second only to giving us global warming. Have you
spent a summer in San Francisco lately? It's ridiculous. I need to
wear sweaters in July! I can't wait till this place warms up.
IT: [Ha ha ha] Part of the charm
right? Well let's get right into this. How did you come up with the
idea of Man of the Year?
DF: Well, it all started while
attending a Sharks game with Tim Hanks and Sergio Soria.
IT: Two of your fellow members...mm
hmm...go on.
DF: Right, they're my boys!
Well if you listen to Sergio's story, you'll think he had this thing
planned out from the beginning. Sergio invented the wheel; I used that
wheel when I invented the Space Shuttle. Sergio said "we should have
a way to decide who had the best year among our friends?" I think
he was drunk or on peyote ... irregardless, a half hour later Tim, Sergio,
and I had a rough sketch of what Man of the Year should be and how it
should be run. But by the next day Serge and Tim do what Serge and Tim
do: nothing. And it was left up to me to actually write the Manstitution,
get people involved, and take MOY from concept to reality.
IT: The Manstitution. "Infallible
rules to live by," as you put it. Crafted over the final months of
2007. Here we are getting closer to the end of '08. How do you feel
it's going so far?
DF: It's been going pretty
well. We're three quarters the way through the year, we've got a
lot of interest in MOY, we've made some headlines, and we've got
some pretty exciting events coming up...
IT: So it's lived up to your
initial vision?
DF: For the most part yes. I suppose
I thought I would have won every event I entered, so that hasn't panned
out... but none of the first few events have played to my strengths.
I'm looking forward to the home stretch, taking some individual competitions,
and winning that illustrious golden jacket.
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The Interview - Part Two
IT: And what kind of competitions
have been run already?
DF: There have been four so
far. The best being our retaking of the SATs. Forty bucks and a little
planning ensures anyone can reserve a seat next to some pimple faced
stress case who hasn't even begun to formulate the slightest thought
of what being a man truly is. And I don't even need to tell you that
retaking the SATs was my idea. Thaaaaaank youuu I'm also looking forward
to the paintball gun duel.
IT: Wow, those do sound exciting.
I understand the organization and setup of this group took quite a bit
of time and effort. How's the governing body handling the responsibility?
DF: Well, I guess that's one
thing that hasn't lived up to my initial vision. No one else seems
to care about the logistics of running Man of the Year. And since I
care, I'm forced to act in every other capacities. I'm basically
the Scribe, Philanthropist, and Viceroy...all wrapped up in one awe-inspiring
person. I can't really blame anyone else, though. I am the best person
for each of these jobs.
IT: [Ha ha ha ha] heavy lies
the crown, am I right?
DF: [...]
IT: Anyway...what do you say
to the critics who claim this is nothing but a glorified and pathetic
frat-esque institution for immature adults stuck treading water in their
9 to 5 cubicular prisons?
DF: I say "What the &$%#
have you done with your life?" Those are the people who wish they
were man enough to be included in Man of the Year Competition. Those
are the people that cry themselves to sleep because their lives have
no meaning. Those are the people that don't understand what it is
to be a man. I pity them. May they waste away their days never knowing
their true greatness.
IT: I like the intensity. The
public witnessed a little bit of the MOY wrath with this latest scandal
from Minnesota. What would you do if you saw a member of the Bartel
family walking down the street right now?
DF:
A Bartel? You mean those no talent hacks that completely stole Man of
the Year and credited someone else for the idea? I have no problem with
people taking our Man of the Year idea and making it their own. We're
visionaries and when other people get excited about this concept, it
speaks to our virility. However, when a man takes your idea, bastardizes
it, and then credits someone else for the idea... that's just a person
that I can't respect. If I saw a Bartel walking down the street, I'd
make damn sure that next year's trophy was named after him.
IT: Hah...you're referring
to the practice of naming the following year's award after any members
who pass away?
DF: Manstitution section
3, subsection 12. That there's a little innuendo...
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The Interview - Part Three
IT: Fantastic. Getting back
to some of your critics, how do you defend the fact that you are completing
event after event despite a stagnant website that hasn't had a single
update since the initial man summit?
DF: I do not defend that. The
problem with the website is that it's run by Sergio. The problem with
Sergio is that he doesn't do anything. Sure, he has great ideas. Sure,
he's effing hilarious. Sure, he's a great man. But Sergio isn't
a man who does what he says he's going to do. Ultimately, this one
fatal flaw will be his downfall in MOY... he'll never win this competition
and it's tragic.
IT: Strong words. Are you afraid
this confrontational approach to governing has estranged some of the
participants? There are reports of at least two individuals who have
backed out of the competition since the inaugural dinner. Have you spoken
to the departed members since they abandoned they're brethren?
Arrogant Prick: Sure, I've
spoken with them. Who am I to deny others the pleasure of my company?
I haven't liked it, though. Their weakness disgusts me and it takes
a tremendous amount of intestinal fortitude not to vomit my Guinness
on their despicable faces.
IT: Did you ever get the impression
that the pressure was too much for them?
AP: You could quickly tell that
they weren't going to last. Their priorities were out of whack. Take
Jim, for example. He'd rather spend time with the "love of his life"
and get two "graduate degrees" from "MIT" then participate in
Man of the Year. Disgusting. I only respect guys like me: guys that
can't stop thinking about Man of the Year and who tell everyone they've
ever met about the competition within the first 40 seconds of meeting.
IT: Few and far between I imagine.
Does this enhance the status, in your mind, of the eventual champion?
AP:
If I don't win, no. And that's only because I'm obviously the
only real contender in this competition. I'm the best in everything
I do and I've had one of the best years in the history of humanity.
If I lose this competition, it will be because of politics and that
is something that will detract from the status of the eventual champion.
If I don't win this thing, the eventual champion should just give
me the golden jacket. It would be the only honorable thing to do.
IT: The quest for the golden
jacket does sound fun. There's apparently more to this competition
than simply events I hear. Can you briefly go over what your guidelines
list as a "significant achievement?"
AP: Sure. Significant Achievements
are optional things that competitors can do throughout the year to gain
points in this competition. There are three levels of SAs: Gold, Silver,
and Bronze. Gold achievements are things that none of us will probably
do ever in our lifetimes: cure cancer... jump out of an airplane without
a parachute... beat a grand master in a game of chess... Silver are
things that are doable but exceedingly difficult. Bronze achievements
are things that most of us could do if we put enough effort into it.
So far, we've only had something like five significant achievements
completed amongst all the competitors. It's been somewhat pathetic.
IT:
Any plans on specific targets you want to share with us?
AP: A lady never asks, a gentleman
never tells.
IT: Fair enough. What are the
plans for future expansion?
AP: Once that website gets up
to snuff, we can really start pushing Man of the Year to distant parts
of the country and even the world. There's potential to have chapters
in San Diego, Chicago, and Brisbane, Australia in 2009. If only other
people cared half as much as I do...
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The Interview - Part Four
IT: Are you worried about the
empire growing too far beyond your reach where it can't be regulated
and subjected to the high standards that are necessary to maintain its
glory?
AP: It certainly is a concern.
But like the mighty Roman Empire, the collapse of Man of the Year Competition
is inevitable. We will become too big, we will become too popular, and
we will be overrun by barbarians. The important part is that the teachings
of Man of the Year Competition live throughout the ages of humanity.
Similar to how our legal system has many of its origins in Roman law,
these beginning years to the Man of the Year competition will lay the
foundation of fully recognizing man's greatness for generations to
come. MOY's glory will take on new and wonderful permutations that
we cannot yet predict. Although, I think Nostradamus predicted it. That
guy was pretty great.
IT: Humbling. Did you ever get
the vomit off of your car after event the 3rd event: HOBO poker?
AP: The two story projectile
vomit that Tim rained down on my car after drinking two cocktails? Yeah,
I got that off. It took a powerful hose and some patience, but it came
off. It's not like Tim helped or anything. Well, he did help by
putting the vomit there. Without the vomit, I guess there wouldn't
be any vomit to get off. Thanks, Tim.
IT: Sounds like an ass. Word
on the internet is that there's a secret (some say magical) cedar box
in the group's possession that decides the fate of noble men. Any truth
to this? Other members deny it's existence.
AP: For the record, it doesn't
exist. It breaks my heart to admit that. It's just another example
of a competitor not living up his potential.
IT: Somehow I don't believe
you. Anything
you want to add before we end?
AP: For all of you hopeful Man
of the Year competitors, please know that it takes one thing to realize
victory in this competition: humility. And that's why I'm going
to win, because I'm the most humble @#$%$# @#$%$# you've ever seen.
IT: Delightful. Well I know
you must be going and I enjoyed our little chat. Good luck with the
rest of the year.
AP:
You're welcome.
And as Dan puts his shirt back on to
leave the room, one is left wondering how many secrets he has left out
of this first expose into this mysterious goings-on of the MOY crew.
He has left no doubt to one truth however: his boys are in good hands.
AP:
[Barely audible down the hall] That's what sheeeee saaaiiiid....