MOY Competition - USCIS Test - Overview
HOSTED BY: Daniel Figoni
WHEN: March 21st, in the year of our Lord, 2009
WHERE: AnyTown, USA
DESCRIPTION:
- 16 men shamelessly compare themselves to struggling immigrants yearning for a better life
- Competitors will take more difficult version of test based off USCIS materials
- Sycophantic competitors may have distorted views of patriotism
Results !!!
The Podium
2nd - Pandemic (27 points)
3rd - Cousin Bobby (23 points)
The Rest of Us Losers 4th Shawn Yapa (19.5 points)6th Matt Di Gino (14 points)
7th Mudskipper (12 points)8th Serg (10 points)
11th Canon Matter (6 points)12th Vermillion Pancake (5 points)
14th Matt Stephenson (3 points)
The Epic Story This is a place holder till Dan writes this up.
The Fine Print
(MOY) - SAN FRANCISCO - Sixteen young men hailing from California have decided to risk their American citizenship for a competition they call ''The Man of the Year Competition''.
The Man of the Year Competition, often referred to as ''MoY'', brings together a group of friends attempting to determine which of them has led the best life during given a year. On March 21st this group will partake in the first of 10 competitions held throughout 2009: ''The American Citizenry Test''.
Competitors shall take a test modeled after the questions from the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS) that immigrants must answer to become naturalized American citizens.
While those who seek naturalization must only take ten multiple choice questions and answer but six of those questions correctly, MoY competitors will put their American civics and history knowledge to the proverbial test in answering all 100 USCIS questions in short answer form, without the help of what they call ''pansy ass multiple choice'' options. Competitors will have only two hours to complete the test.
When asked why MoY decided to take this test one of the self-described ''intrepid'' men, Daniel Figoni, stated that these men wanted to prove they were deserving of living within American borders.
As Eric Pan, Vice Viceroy of MoY, says: ''If you fail by a large margin, less than 50%, you should be immediately deported to Canada'' or to your country of origin. If you fail miserably, less than 35%, then you should get rounded up with all the other failures and put on an abandoned island, Lord of the Flies style. Survivors earn the right to take the test again. Given this extreme stance, the stakes are obviously high for competitors taking this test.
Figoni went on to liken MoY competitors to the immigrants that came to America in the infantile years of the union. ''All sixteen of us have unique and compelling stories detailing how we are the amazing men we so obviously are.'' Figoni, with each spoken word revealing an egotistical and self-aggrandizing view of himself, continued by quoting the inscription on the Statue of Liberty:
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me.
I lift my lamp beside the golden door."
''In the spirit of this timeless words'', Figoni continued, ''we humble Americans shall perform what should be the duty of citizens all over this country: prove they are deserving of citizenship of the greatest country humanity has ever known by taking a test on the civics and the history of this place, this idea, this society that we call The United States of America. Those who refuse to take this test only mock the very colors of the American flag.'' One comes away with the impression that, while sometimes eloquent and persuasive, Figoni has no idea what he's talking about.
Perhaps he has such an inflated opinion on the significance of this test because it was Figoni's own idea to hold it as a MoY competition. In talking to his peers, however, competitors have a variety of reasons for taking the test.
When asked why he's taking the test, Matt Di Gino, a second year MoY competitor who says that having a multitude of Chex flavors and plastic wrapped chicken readily available at super markets are the things that make him proud to be an American, states ''because if you haven't milked the cow in while, you might get kicked in the face''. The stakes of this test could possibly be highest for Di Gino, given what he says about the prospect of losing his American citizenship:
''If I wasn't American, I would tightly hold the front end of the most beautifully restored classic automobile the world has ever seen'', no doubt it would be an American car. Di Gino continues, ''That car would obviously be attached to a lead anchor at the bottom of the Pacific, because life just wouldn't be worth living''.
Regardless of the motivations, this group is perpetuating an unstoppable wave of unbridled American patriotism. And while this unmitigated wave may be simultaneously obtuse, provocative, and incendiary, seeing it motivate these young men to take the US American Citizenry Test is inspiring.
Here's to hoping that they pass.
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MoY Associated Press 2009